Alvin Richardson

I’m sorry to report that the phrase “helicopter parent” has taken on a new, literal meaning. Turns out there’s a guy who used a drone to watch over his kid while she was walking to school. Yep. You could look it up using the all-knowing and all-seeing marvel better known as the Internet.

Of course this is an extreme example (or is it?). The phrase itself has origins that date back to the late 1960s but has become a hot-button topic over the last 10 or 15 years as researchers have delved into the phenomenon. The lay person definition would go something like this: A parent who pays extremely close attention to a child’s experiences and problems and goes so far as to try to control absolutely those experiences and solve those problems.

I’m pretty sure that the advent of cellphones has aided the rise of helicopter parents. One researcher called cellphones “the world’s longest umbilical cord.”  There is no corner of the universe for kids to just grow up and learn stuff without a call or text message coming through to let them know that the parental units are watching. This excessive contact has spawned excuses like “the service was bad” or “my battery died” to put off parents who seek to stay in constant touch with their children. Granted, cellphones are a nice safety net, but I don’t think it was intended to be what it’s turned into — a modern day tracking system. Speaking of tracking systems, some of these phones have a built in GPS that can pinpoint the exact location of a naughty teen. Of course those naughty teenagers are pretty innovative when it comes to circumventing mom and dad’s efforts to monitor their every move. But they shouldn’t have to get sneaky.

There is a fine line between becoming a helicopter parent and just a garden variety loving one. That fine line is crossed when parents constantly go to school and argue about the answer on a science exam, go to the principal year after year and insist on having a certain teacher or berating a coach when their kid doesn’t get as much playing time as their little All-American All-Star should get. I hate to tell you but life’s not always easy or fair and the kids need to have room to solve these problems on their own.

In a way it is an enabling strategy and some of the research bears out this statement. From the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology comes this statement: “The paradox of this form of parenting is that, despite seemingly good intentions, the preliminary evidence indicates that it is not associated with adaptive outcomes for young adults and may indeed be linked with traits that could hinder a child’s success.” 

Translated that means that they become reliant on mom and dad to solve their problems even if it was the result of their own poor choices. Another statement from that same study says, “These parents routinely intervene on an inappropriate level by offering unsolicited advice, removing obstacles, and solving problems that kids should tackle themselves.” 

That roughly translates into just letting the kids figure stuff out so they can do it later on when mom and dad will become helpless in the face of real world issues.

So it’s not just me talking here.

Maybe a short way of saying this is to let them make their own tough decisions because loving your kids doesn’t mean making their time at home as easy and as obstacle free as possible. Quite honestly you are doing them a disservice.

Here’s a novel idea. Love your kids unconditionally, teach them right from wrong, point them in the right direction on their issues, punish them when they mess up and let them figure out the rest. Obviously there will be times when they need your help but it’s probably more productive to herd them toward a constructive course of action. Taking over and totally solving their troubles is a sure fire way to douse their independence and ingenuity, which they are going to need in the future. You don’t want them to be helpless in the face of adversity when they leave the nest.

Finally it is certainly safe and instructive to mention that our kids are growing up in a world that is much different one than we came up in and that calls for some new strategies. Just don’t let that strategy put a stranglehold on their ability to think for themselves.

If the shoe fits wear it — or get a new pair of shoes but don’t just drone along being a helicopter parent.

E-mail comments to dar8589@bellsouth.net